Last Friday night, I was laid out on bathroom floor. On my back like a turned turtle, using my bathmat as a yoga mat. All I wanted to do was stretch in order to get my lower-back out of what felt like vice grips.
It had been a long week.
On Tuesday, I called a friend, Joel, to let him know a mutual friend had passed from what appeared to be an overdose. The next day, Joel texted me saying his son was born.
That exchange came on the heels of the news that a good friend, former Bay Area radio host, Kareem Chadly lost his son, Damani, to gun violence. A link to the GoFundMe page was texted to me during a company dinner, when I got the message I lost my appetite.
Those stories, and so many others, ran through my head as it rested on the bathroomâs linoleum tiles. As I tried to stretch the stress out of my back, my blank went beyond my translucent shower curtains, through the ceiling and into a world of thoughts about the stress of adulthood during the holiday season.
Iâm familiar with the data. Iâve read about higher rates of domestic abuse during the holidays. Iâve seen the deconstruction of the myth that suicide rates rise during the holidays, and I know the truth about depression during the holidaysâsome might call it the Holiday Blues.
According to alcohol.org, “DUI offenders increased their drinking rates by 33 percent between Thanksgiving and New Yearâs Day.” I know all of that drinking isnât jolly inebriationâI know it isnât.
We could spit data and numbers all day, but when youâre on your back, occupying the space between the bathtub and the toilet, what comes to mind are the stories of people.
I’m thinking of Nia Wilsonâs family as they go through their first holiday season without her. Or Oscar Grantâs family as they embark on a decade since he was murdered.
I thought about the families of Jerome Grier Wiggins Jr., who passed in October, leaving behind a child, and Brandon “Young Busco” Moore, who passed the following month, leaving behind nine children.
How do you deal with the deaths of loved ones, and the stress caused to those who are living? I imagine it’s amplified during holiday season.
How do you navigate it?
A couple of weeks ago I pulled up to art show featuring the work of De Andre “Airballin” Drake, with painted cars, motorcycles, shoes and more. It was a bonanza, capped off by Drake bringing his daughter, Kaya, out to do a live body painting on another young woman.
Airballin and Kaya. (Lionel Seals)
I knew the story of how Airballin mastered his artistic craft during a nine-year stint in prisonâwhere he drew images so realistic that some people called him “Kodak.” I heard that upon his release, Airballin painted everywhere, from the Javahouse on Lakeshore to a storefront on Fruitvale, always applying his hustler mentality. And now, heâs eating off of it.
He told me he doesnât really face too much stressâduring the holidays or otherwise. So when it comes to doing something for his daughter, like featuring her in his first solo show, itâs quite simple. “It was an opportunity to let her feel what I feel,” he told me. “It was a chance to give her a lifelong memory as an artist.”
I marvel at the way heâs hurdled stress, by taking a negative experience and making a career out of it, “If I wouldnât have went to prison, I probably wouldnât have found art,” he told me. “I donât like to harp on it, but when it comes up I do tell my storyâthis is how I came to be where I am.”
And he does this while inspiring his daughter.
Heâs adamant that Kaya wanted to be an artist on her own, and I donât doubt that. But knowingly or unknowingly, Airballin is an example of an adult and parent healing and dealing with their own shit while not creating any further wounds, which is important during the holiday season because those lifelong memories arenât always sweet.
This topic of healing your own wounds is something that a contributing writer for The Nation, Dr. Dani McClain, touches upon in her forthcoming book, We Live for the We: The Political Power of Black Motherhood.
When asked her about navigating this time of year as an adult, she told me, “Itâs about slowing down, taking deep breaths and taking time to turn inward.”
In addition to that that, she said simply acknowledging emotions instead of covering them up is important during the holidays. She calls it “being real with herself,” and it can manifest in a number of ways, including simply not being held to social obligations.
“Itâs about being honest with myself with how I feel, and instead of doing things to appease other people,” said Dr. McClain.
I asked if that could be seen as selfish, she replied, “If I do what I need to do to make myself feel comfortable, then I can be a better mom. If Iâm performing some idea of what the ‘holidays’ means, Iâm not going to be a good parent.”
This holiday season, my heart isnât just with those whoâve lost a loved one or those of us who are living with wounds, but to all of those who are, as the cool kids on the internet say, “adulting.”
Yes, this is a time of year for childrenâs wonder and old folksâ traditions. But honestly, itâs a lot.
Itâs enough to ask for some advice on how to combat depression, or at least a timeout. But the madness doesnât stop, not even during the holidays.
So, hereâs to the art of navigating the holidays as an adult.
Those who donât have kids must deal with relatives asking why not. And to the parents out there hiding presents from her childrenâas well as the parents whoâre hiding the fact they canât afford presents for her childrenâI hope you all have the presence of perseverance, prosperity and some mother (lovin’) peace of mind.
This adulthood shit is hard. I just wanted to let you know that even when youâre laid out on the bathroom floor, youâre not alone.
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