In the previous episode of Les Miserables, a teen Cosette was scandalized by her friends talking about wanting to have sex with their cousins:
A nun rocked our worlds by rocking the fly-est headware ever:
Javert tried to be a fashion influencer too and failed spectacularly:
Olivia Colman and her rotten family reemerged:
Inspiring Jean Valjean to go from this:
To this:
Will Javert finally catch up with Jean Valjean? Will Cosette and Marius lose their V cards? Will Olivia Colman and her husband die in a very painful way while I watch, smiling and eating popcorn? Let’s find out!
Surprise! Everyone in Paris is still miserable and poor! We, the viewers, are tired of it, and so are the characters themselves. Shouts of revolution rise up in the streets, as a man tacks up Wanted posters starring our guy, Jean Valjean.
As far as mugshots go, I think Jean looks great!
It could’ve been a lot worse, as Nick Nolte can attest:
Over at police headquarters, Javert is still barking about finding and punishing Jean Valjean. His officers are like, Cute vendetta or whatever, but shouldn’t we focus on squelching this burgeoning revolution instead?
Javert doesn’t care about the people rising up to overthrow the monarchy; he wants Jean Valjean in chains and he wants it now!!!
Meanwhile, Jean Valjean is across town minding his own business and thinking:
For the follow-up, writer-director Marcus Dunstan and co-writer Patrick Melton treat their original as if it were their Alien. The first film left their hero Arkin (Josh Stewart) not unlike Ripley in that series, confined in a small space and heading for points unknown. Only in this case, that space is a footlocker instead of a hibernation chamber, and instead of defeating the villain, Arkin has been trapped in that footlocker by The Collector‘s answer to the alien: the unnamed “Collector,” a diabolical, black-masked psycho with a taste for killing whole families and taking one away alive as his trophy.
Following that template, Arkin returns in The Collection, after escaping at the start of the film, to lead a band of mercenaries to the villain’s labyrinthine lair on a rescue mission â again, just as Ripley does in Aliens. Just in case you were in danger of missing the connection, they even include a scene in which Arkin briefs the soldiers on their adversary before maintaining that he’s only there for informational purposes, not to take part in the mission, just as in a nearly identical scene in James Cameron’s film.
The homage is ham-handed, but the result is surprisingly fun. Just as Aliens was an action companion to the gothic horror of its predecessor, The Collection also effectively blends genres, with this team of commandos getting stuck in the hotel that the Collector uses as his home base-slash-personal museum of macabre oddities fashioned out of spare body parts. They’ll need to fight their way out, of course â along with Arkin, who inevitably gets dragged in along with them.
Their objective is Elena (Emma Fitzpatrick), a young woman captured into the collection in the film’s opening sequence, which finds the Collector ambitiously doing in an entire underground rave crowd with what amounts to a giant, ceiling-mounted thresher. Yes, it’s just as splattery as it sounds.
That underlines an important point: despite its willingness to step back from genre norms and its nicely paced thrills, don’t mistake The Collection for a crossover success. If you have an immediate dislike for horror movies that order their stage blood by the barrel, this isn’t the film for you.
But genre aficionados are likely to revel in every crunched bone, gratuitous decapitation and slow-motion iron-maiden impaling. The Saw films and their like plod grimly from one kill to the next, but there’s an energy to The Collection that enlivens it. It might seem odd to describe anything this ghastly as playful, but one gets the sense that Dunstan recognizes the excesses of the film and is having fun with them. The way he frames the Collector as he bursts into a room at the film’s climax â with double doors opening on him, bathed in dramatic light, wielding an assault rifle and flanked by attack dogs â is too self-consciously over-the-top to be anything but an acknowledgement of its own ridiculousness.
It should come as no surprise that the ending leaves things open for yet another sequel. That’s normally where the groans come in during the twist of a generic horror’s waning moments. But in this case, it may be the movie’s strongest moment. Rather than serving up a standard-issue open ending, Dunstan allows The Collection a sense of closure while suggesting an interesting turn in the structure should things continue. If he can continue to churn out enjoyably trashy sequels like this, franchised horror doesn’t always have to be such a killjoy. Copyright 2012 National Public Radio. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.
In a prison cell mosh pit from hell, Olivia Colman isn’t having a very good day:
http://www.npr.org/.
I think I speak for all of us when I say:
Moon Duo, whose latest LP, Circles, came out earlier this year. As luck would have it, Moon Duo’s Ripley Johnson is also playing SF with his other band, Wooden Shjips, this month, as part of a stacked anniversary show celebrating twenty years of Thrill Jockey Records. Speaking of anniversaries, David Bazan is revisiting Pedro the Lion’s newly-reissued 2002 album Control, performing the record in its entirety on his nationwide tour.
What’s perhaps most striking about this month, though, is how many great New Year’s Eve shows there are to consider this year, including the Nick Waterhouse, Tumbleweed Wanderers, and Howlin Rain performances highlighted below. There are plenty that aren’t represented in this mix too, like a Fresh & Onlys-topped bill at The Chapel, and a Terry Malts show at the Hemlock Tavern.
Finally, the show we’re personally most excited for this coming month is, of course, our annual rock and roll beer festival called The Bay Brewed 2012. With six great bands and 13 amazing breweries on hand, you really don’t want to miss this one.
Enjoy the mix and then go see some shows!
Turbo Fruits — “Sweet Thang”Co-headlining a December 7 show at Bottom of the Hill with White Lung; CCR Headcleaner opens.
Bear in Heaven — “Kiss Me Crazy”Headlining The Bay Brewed 2012, our annual rock and roll beer festival, taking place on December 1 at Public Works.
The Soft Moon — “Insides”Performing on December 14 at The New Parish.
Moon Duo — “Sleepwalker”Returning to San Francisco on December 4 for a show at Bottom of the Hill with Life/Coach and Disappearing People.
Dum Dum Girls — “Lord Knows”Supporting Bloc Party at the Fox Theater on December 6.
Lumerians — “Untitled 1″Supporting Psychic TV at The Uptown on December 14 and 15; King Dude and Youth Code also perform.
Nick Waterhouse — “(If) You Want Trouble”Performing on New Year’s Eve at Bimbo’s with Quinn Deveaux and the Blue Beat Review and Gaucho.
The Buttercream Gang — “Couch Games”Celebrating the release of Oh Brother at the Brick & Mortar Music Hall on December 7 with Surf Club and Horrorscopes.
Pedro the Lion — “Rapture”The David Bazan Band performs Pedro the Lion’s Control at The Independent on December 10.
Poor Moon — “Holiday”Headlining the Rickshaw Stop on December 14, with support from Pure Bathing Culture and Lia Rose.
The Mountain Goats — “Cry For Judas”Coming to The Fillmore with Matthew E. White on December 14.
Tumbleweed Wanderers — “So Long Blues”Playing two sets at Bottom of the Hill on New Year’s Eve with Big Tree and The She’s.
Eternal Tapestry — “Wholeodome”Joining Wooden Shjips, Liturgy, Trans Am and more at Thrill Jockey Records’ twentieth anniversary celebration on December 13 at The Independent.
Howlin Rain — “Phantom In The Valley”Playing with Vetiver at Cafe Du Nord on December 28, 29 and 31.
Meanwhile, Mr. Colman has already managed to escape.
Because nothing good can ever happen on this show, Mr. Colman and some of his remaining goons plan on a home invasion to get even with Jean Valjean. Cut to Jean Valjean announcing that he’s going on a little getaway for a few days and leaving Cosette home alone!
That night, Cosette hears rustling outside her bedroom window. If this turns into a rape scene, I am no longer recapping this show. I mean it!
You Must Read This is produced and edited by Ellen Silva and Rose Friedman with production assistance from Annalisa Quinn.
Copyright 2012 National Public Radio. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.
Thankfully, it’s just Marius leaving some very bad poetry for Cosette.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Shall I put my tongue in thy mouth?
Because Cosette doesn’t get out much, she is bowled over by his verse. The next day, she waits for him in the garden and, upon seeing him, says, “What’s the matter? I can’t feel…” and promptly faints.
Virgins are something else.
In the center of town, Olivia Colman’s youngest son (we’ll call him Lil Colman) does a little pick-pocketing and uses the money to buy some bread for two orphans.
Random, but nice!
Across town, Lil Colman’s sister, Wall Finger (are there no other people in this town?!), watches Marius break into Cosette’s property by slipping through a wonky party of the perimeter fence. “So that’s how you do it!” she says to herself.
Two thoughts for her:
YOU BETTER NOT TELL YOUR TRIFLING DAD! You really should read this book:
Speak of the devil, Mr. Colman and his Goon Squad show up.
Wall Finger tells them to scram. When they refuse, she screams loud enough to alert a neighborhood dog. Okay, I owe someone an apology. My bad!
On the other side of the wall, Cosette tells Marius that Jean has returned and plans on moving her to England, where hopefully people aren’t so miserable. Cosette and Marius vow to find a way to stay together because hanging out for a collective 6 minutes in the 19th century was engagement territory back then.
Meanwhile, Wall Finger knocks on Jean’s window and lets him know he should GTFO if he doesn’t want to have to Hulk out on her dad and his friends again. I’m proud of Wall Finger for continuing to prove me wrong! Sure, part of her reason for warning Jean is keeping Cosette and Marius apart, but there are other British fish in the sea! Cosette will be fine! Get out while y’all still can! I can’t take much more of this stress!
It’s been a minute since we’ve seen Marius’ grandfather. Let’s check in to see how he’s doing.
Aw, he got a makeover! Look at those threads!
He’s smiling because Marius has returned! But his smile doesn’t last long. When Marius asks for permission to marry Cosette (slow your roll; you don’t even know her zodiac sign yet!), Grandpa suggests putting Cosette in a nice apartment and keeping her as a mistress f**k buddy (which reminds me that we never got to see karma catch up with Cosette’s dad, Felix, grrrrr). Marius is outraged and storms out, leaving Grandpa to cry all over his cute new outfit.
The next day, Cosette writes Marius a love letter letting him know the address of the new apartment she and Jean are moving to for safety (sure, put that in writing and leave it outside for Javert or Mr. Colman to find; did those nuns not teach her anything?!). Wall Finger immediately intercepts Cosette’s letter. Like Javert, this girl really needs to get a hobby.
In town, the revolution has begun. Soldiers are getting rocked and dragged (literally):
Marius’ revolutionary friends set up a barricade next to a pub, cause if you’re planning on being blown to bits, might as well enjoy yummy cocktails while you’re at it.
Javert goes undercover with the revolutionaries, not to foil their plan, but to find Jean Valjean. Give it a rest!!!
Despite all the violence in the streets, Cosette tries to go out and find Marius because dumb virgins gonna dumb virgin. Thankfully, Jean Valjean stops her just in time, only to be rewarded with an “I HATE YOU!!!” Fantine’s ghost is shaking her heard in heaven right now.
Over at Jean and Cosette’s old apartment, Marius thinks Cosette is already in England and screams her name, while Wall Finger watches from behind a bush.
Wall Finger tries to make him feel better: So what if your girl bounced without saying goodbye; we can still have fun. Your friends are in a cul de sac waiting to die. Let’s go hang with them before they’re murdered in the streets as our first date!
Marius doesn’t find this very romantic. “I’ve lost everything. My life is over.” Wall Finger hears this and thinks, So I still have a chance!
For real. I’m sure there is a French translation of this book. Please go to the nearest library and get it!
Over at the barricade, Lil Colman sees Javert wearing an unconvincing I’m-poor-too hat and tells the head revolutionary that he is literally the head of police. They immediately seize him and Javert continues being a broken record: WHERE IS HE? YOUR LEADER?!? JEAN VALJEAN! HE STOLE A PIECE OF BREAD 30 YEARS AGO! AHHHHH!!!!
Sensing my overflowing annoyance with Javert, Lil Colman offers to shoot him with a huge grin on his face.
The grown-ups don’t let him, but it’s the thought that counts.
Moments later, the army attacks the barricade and things aren’t looking so good, until Marius arrives and threatens to blow himself and everyone else up unless the army retreats. They don’t take him seriously until he makes these hilarious, crazy faces.
As the army retreats, the revolutionaries are too busy cheering to notice the dying officer with his gun pointed right at Marius! He shoots! Marius is confused because he doesn’t have a wound. That’s when a voice comes from below. Yo! Down here, bleeding to death! It’s me, Wall Finger! She took the bullet for him!
Wall Finger gives Marius Cosette’s letter, asks for a kiss on the forehead, says “I really did love you” and then dies, unloved. A complicated hero. I stan.
Marius kisses her on the forehead and, one second later, thinks, Anyway! Cosette! Yayyyy! He asks Lil Colman to take a letter to her that reads: Sup? Glad you’re still in town. I’m probably about to die just cause, but if I survive, we should go on a real date or something!
Before Cosette can read it, the message is intercepted by Jean (don’t these people know opening someone else’s mail is a crime?!). Jean is mad that his sweet, dumb virgin daughter likes a boy, so he sets off for the barricade to beat him up or kill him, I guess. The only problem is that’s where Javert is! Oh, and that whole army about to bomb the barricade off the map any minute thing.
End scene!
Until next time! If you miss my thoughts on Les Miserables or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler or read my other recaps (Poldark, Victoria, Downton Abbey and Game of Thrones)!
Previous Recaps:
‘Les Miserables’ Episode 4 Recap: Like A Virgin
‘Les Miserables’ Episode 3 Recap: I Will Follow Him
‘Les Miserables’ Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-Vous Coucher Avec Moi?
‘Les Miserables’ Episode 1 Recap: Un-Break My Heart
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